Holidays, Families and Stress: A National Lampoon Christmas with Clark Griswold
We all know the holidays and families go hand in hand with stress. One client put it this way, “The holidays are a mental challenge.” Another client said, “It’s hard to stay emotionally stable during the holidays.” It seems ironic, that a time of giving and being with family and friends, can be so stressful and difficult. Let’s take a step back to see how we can make things less complicated during this particularly demanding season.
Decrease our expectations. A client who was an active member in AA, once shared a common theme in their meetings, “Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.” Once we realize the perfect holiday only happens in holiday television commercials, or in the photo cards we exchange, or on Facebook posts, we can be more available to enjoy whatever the present moment reveals. We relate to the inevitable dysfunctional family dinners as portrayed in holiday films because in reality nothing is perfect, especially families. If we continue to think we can achieve perfection, like Clark Griswold, we will eventually be disappointed. We can laugh at ourselves while enjoying Clark Griswold’s numerous mishaps in his attempts to give his family the perfect ‘old fashioned Christmas’. After tromping through the woods with his family, Clark finally found the ‘perfect tree’, but he had to make do with digging it out of the ground since he had forgotten to bring a saw or axe with which to cut it down. After more similar escapades, Clark eventually snaps when his perceived Christmas bonus, which he had already promised his family he would use to build a swimming pool, arrives on Christmas Eve, and he finds it is a membership to the jelly-of-the-month club. His expectations of giving his family ‘the perfect old-fashioned Christmas’ and the pool of his dreams are dashed and he explodes in a tirade about his stingy boss. He rants that he wishes his boss were there so he could tell him face-to-face what he really thinks of him. A misguided but well-intended relative thinks Clark is serious, so he leaves the party, kidnaps the boss, and returns with his boss in tow. Of course, the SWAT Team arrives and chaos is rampant until there is a happy ending. (Be aware of your audience, they might believe you.) We all have been there and maybe we are already at Clark’s breaking point. Maybe Clark could have avoided the meltdown by slowing things down and taking a deep breath to review his expectations, but then that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun to watch on the screen. For us, let’s first slow things down by decreasing our expectations.
Implement the ‘Good Enough’ rule. A wise psychoanalyst and pediatrician of the 20th century, Donald Winnicott believed a mother did not need to provide perfect parenting, only ‘good enough’ parenting. He understood well that we are all human and perfection is not possible in our form and that a child will develop in a healthy manner if given ‘good enough’ nurturing. Most of us would do well to take a page out of Winnicott’s parenting manual especially during the Holidays. Don’t expect perfection. Let some less important things go and just try to do ‘good enough’.
Along with decreasing our expectations, and implementing the ‘good enough’ rule, we might also consider letting go by focusing on what is most important. By next year, the gifts we wrap may be forgotten, however time spent with the people who are most precious to us create lasting memories. Schedule small visits, meet for coffee, or plan a walk with a close friend. If houseguests are coming, make alone time with each guest, so after they leave you are grateful for those special moments with each person. Importantly also, make time for you. Create quiet time for meditation, a bath, or a walk outside. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to enjoy anyone else.
There is no need for you to do everything by yourself. Ask others for help. Hire a professional if necessary. Don’t try hanging lights outside your house alone from a ladder. Watching Clark Griswold install lights on his house, may help you realize the risk you are taking and the possibility of a disastrous outcome. The scene closes with Clark hanging by his fingertips from an icy gutter after having slipped from the top of the roof. Having friends or family helping in decorating your home, or preparing the meals create shared experiences and moments to remember.
Eating and drinking with mindfulness will keep you out of trouble but will also be a kind gesture to your body. By not over indulging, you will have a head start come January 1. Being one of the first to leave a party can be an assurance of not over indulging and the promise of a good night’s rest.
Exercise, deep breathing, and sleep are 3 big stress relievers. When we get busy, our regular routine often goes by the wayside. As much as possible, remember that taking care of your body is essential to managing the mental stress and the emotional imbalances of the holiday season. Take a walk, a run, a swim, or whatever best suits you. Breathing deeply brings in oxygen to every cell in your body helping to relieve stress and to relax. The inhale breath relieves depression and the exhale breathe relieves anxiety. Of course, sleep restores the mind and the body, and we all know too well what happens when we get sleep deprived. Leaving that party early goes a long way in staying balanced.
Give yourself the gift of being mindful as you go through each day. Mindfulness is not necessarily a mystical experience, although in meditation it can be. Mindfulness is remembering to take the saw when going out to cut the family Christmas tree, or paying attention when driving, or keeping your cat safe from chewing the Christmas tree lights while the family is eating in the other room. Mindfulness is being in the moment rather than several steps ahead, like spending your bonus check before you learn it is the jelly-of-the-month club membership rather than a check. Meditation is a practice that can help you learn the discipline of mindfulness and it can help ground and rejuvenate you, even if just for a few minutes. With practice, your brain learns to tame the “monkey brain” as the Buddhists call the brain’s tendency to jump from one thought to the next without our awareness. Meditate with intention by using your mediation to bring you back inside yourself, relaxing your mind and body.
Family gatherings can be most challenging, in part because so many different personality styles gather together and there is no escape. Sometimes, you have to go with the flow like when Clark asked his hard-of-hearing Aunt Bethany to say grace and not understanding his request, she finally came up with the pledge of allegiance. Be prepared at family gatherings to divert conversations, or change the topic especially if Uncle Bill has been dipping into the Eggnog and wants to talk politics. Ask about favorite family holiday memories or get caught up on your relatives’ recent activities. Avoid family gossip by looking for the positive in people.
Having lost a loved one in the preceding year can be particularly painful as you enter this season for the first time without them. Acknowledge to yourself they are an important part of you and will always remain in your heart. Honor them in a meaningful way with a simple ritual, such as including them in a prayer or preparing their favorite dish.
Holidays are time for inclusion. Look for ways to reach out. Invite a friend who might not have family nearby and who might otherwise be alone. Remember those who are not as fortunate. Get involved in a charity.
No matter your religion, find meaning in this season. Reflecting on fond memories of past holidays can help guide you to recreate special moments today. Usually your heart knows the path to what is most meaningful. Let your heart remind you of what is most poignant, especially when you are most overwhelmed or stressed.
As we gather with friends and family and as we prepare for the New Year, now is a great time to let go of old resentments. Whether it is a family member or a friend who may have bruised or hurt you in the past, why hang on to the pain? Let it go. Hanging on to blame, anger, hurt, guilt, or resentment is only hurting you. Release it into the depths of the earth or into the white clouds high above but don’t hold onto it any longer.
Finally enjoy you! You are an amazing, beautiful person inside and out. Allow your light to shine throughout the holiday season and into the New Year. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy. Now is always the best time to start being optimistic, joyful and loving of yourself and others.
Alva S. McGovern, LCSW